Journal or The Stories That Should Not Be Told (Part I)

When I lived in Paris, I kept a journal. I carried it with me everywhere. I recorded ideas, thoughts, writing. The following is a full transcript of that journal. This is where it all begins.

For letter to M., add day. Je suis corrompu. Suite à notre rupture je suis corrompu. Je ne peux plus croire en l'amour. L'amour triche, il ment. Comme tu l'as fait. Corrompu. Si jamais je pourrais y croire à nouveau. A une nouvelle reprise. Reprendre la croyance. En vain. Pensée en vain puisque je suis corrompu à fond. Stonehendge = groupings of 3 stones. I manipulate. I've manipulated you. M. already manipulated me and taught me how to manipulate. Cycles of manipulation. Cain, Abel = story that speaks to the interplay of the power one holds over another. (Dominus - Seruus)In the beginnings of a relationship, one needs the other. Every relationship is a confrontation of one individual against another. Aimer ҂ être amoureux. I've confused it all. I thought that falling in love was the same as loving. Falling in love = disturbing. I write this with tears in my eyes, amidst a full emotional crisis. I hate writing. It's too hard. It's pitiful, hideous, shameful. Writing the truth, saying the truth scares me, but I cannot do otherwise. For lack of anything else. Ionesco killed literature. In order to say what he did, he would have had to, at the very least, been present during its demise. Preface: letter to the reader. This is part, equally, of the fiction. Rule: word play. S'aimer = semer, l'amour and la mort, faux lit = folie, trois = troie, toi, des trois = Detroit, all these words: faux lit, semer: se debarasser de la compagnie de qqn. C.D.K.O.

Formes: Vague airs of love (3 waltzes)

I. Initial situation; style: short story
II. Meeting; style: magazine interview (dialog)
III. The happy days; style: epistolary
IV. Beginning of crisis; style: screenplay
V. Crises; style: Oulipo!
VI. Break-up; style: philosophical paper
VII. Aftermath; style: dramatic monologue
VIII. Attempt to regain; style: writing of insanity, desperation
*Story of a person known as "The Writer" which is, in fact, the story of the process of writing a novel. This story is juxtaposed to the different forms of novel. Most personal stories written in third person.

The impossibility of love, collection of short stories:
I. Meeting
II. Flame
III. We're well
IV. Beginning of problems
etc.
Break-up

Questioning of literature. What is literature? Title: This is not a novel. Normal style, Screenplay, Interview (?/response), POV changes (narrator), reporting (maybe)

T-G: 9 vesale, St. marcel, 1XXXX, 6th floor
L.'s: M., 209 Daumesnil, 5XXXX, 5th floor right 06.XX.XX.XX.XX
169 rue de Rennes, 8XXXX//XXXX
K.: 27 rue Campagne Premiere, metro Raspail 14th, code: XXXX, Code 2nd door (on right) XXXXX, 2nd floor to the left.
C.: 19 rue Camille des Moulins, XXXX, 1st floor

Why do I do this? Why do I search for a justification, to a life, to love, to hate? A justification that I will never have. A dirty word.That which is already written (catching), that which is being written (catching up). Book in which there are two parts: first part = story, second part = psychoanalytic analysis of the first part. Violence can only create peace and calm. Confronting the violence of the past leads to a peaceful future where the violence has been erased. Artistic creation = creation of love = creation of the world. Means of finding the happiness of our childhood, the happiness of the Garden of Eden, the Earthly paradise. [See Freudian definitions in C.A.] Torah = taking a drug, creation of love, artistic creation. Initial happiness = horrendous struggle to reclaim this happiness (another way). Eden = Exile = Israel, Alone = Love = Collective happiness. "Conversations with Monique". Living is learning to die, dialog between us two, which ends in agreement from two different directions.

Egocentrism, chapters:

Ego (N.) = I am subject
Me (Acc.) = I am object
Mihi (Gen.) = For me??
Mei (Dat.) = I am indirect object
Me (Abl.) = I am device

Inabilities to love: M., T., M., Threesome with A. and B., A. These situations are easier. Sexually everything functions properly. Sex ҂ love David Lynch Falling into impossible love: I met C. while drinking heavily at a party in Paris. It was a Saturday. She arrived near 11:30; she was the last to arrive. Falling in love with the wrong person: love nonetheless. True love can occur in the worst of situations. C. = an inappropriate love. Dads, men, and people in general. Uictus es! Second part = the flood (Noah)

I cannot let go of triplets. They exist everywhere. Just like the manipulation, like the corruption which can be found in my profound self, I am absolutely incapable of getting rid of them, to expel them from my life. I would have been better off never having remarked. That is the futile stuggle, the cause of the larger human depression, of which I am part. Happily at times.

J.K.: 9 Gunterstone Rd., London, W14 9B, UK

St. Lazarre - Oissel: 2:23 - 3:35, train 13107

Classified: leaving message from one to another. C.'s birth in a car at the red light. "It's a girl!" and hop! let's go!

Relate emotional things through literary explanation.

D. Family: 6, rue de la Mare d'Aulne, 27370 Thuit-Anger

It's love that strangles us in the most violent of manners, which cuts us off at the throat, leaving it dry and without words, and which makes us endure an inexplainable force. It's this same love that reveals us, little by little, to ourselves so that one day we become truly capable of loving another.